Wednesday, 21 January 2015

OGR: From Script to screen (21/1/2015)

1 comment:

tutorphil said...

OGR 22/01/2015

Evening Jacky,

Okay - so as you know, I like the whole shrinking thing you've got going on, but you don't quite have a story yet; what you've got is a linear set of events, but there's no pay off, or sense of resolution, or twist or development that transcend or enriches the simple mechanics of the plot.

It does seem to me as if you're not fully utilising the specific purpose of your environment - the cosmetic surgery clinic; wouldn't it be more logical if the hoovering procedure was for liposuction and fat reduction? At the moment, your procedure could be any kind of surgical intervention, and I can't help observe that there is potential for some black comedy here, given the circumstances. The idea of some Hollywood clinic, in which mega-rich celebs are paying for people to be injected into their bodies to undertake corrective surgery feels satirical to me - like it could be further exploited in your story.

Likewise - in terms of character, your frogman/diver is rather passive, in so much as he just goes inside and does his thing. Again, is there more you can do to enrich this element in terms of character development?

Stories often need conflict or tension to drive them, and while you've got the ticking clock of the miniaturisation process, it's hard I think to feel anything too life and death about something as 'silly' as plastic surgery - in other words, I don't think your audience will care very much if the diver gets out, because the procedure itself is a vanity and not life and death; that's why I can't help feeling as if a more satirical, blackly humoristic approach might be appropriate, given the subject matter.

I wonder what it would be like to be the guy who risks his life everyday to suck the excess fat out of people's buttocks? I wonder what your frogman might think about that? I can imagine a story structure when you've got your frogman being interviewed about his precarious, dangerous job, and at first we think he must be a deep sea diver or working on oil-rigs; he talks about the dangers etc' about the numbers of his colleagues who've died 'on the job'... and then it's slowly revealed that he's part of the lip suction team sucking the blubber out of celebrity bellies...

You've got a nice concept - but you need a better story premise or approach to your structure to invigorate it further.